


On Danny's Terms

by simkhalou



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 10:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simkhalou/pseuds/simkhalou
Summary: Danny felt his heart breaking as he realized all over again that there was no other way it could be between him and Steve. That he just couldn’t do it.And, god, that hurt. Even though he’d known for years now, it still hurt so much.(Tag for 10.07)
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 26
Kudos: 205





	On Danny's Terms

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda sad.

Steve fell asleep in the middle of the bed. Probably on purpose, probably specifically to annoy Danny. Not that Danny had actually been planning on sharing the bed. He was going to get his own room, anyway. But Steve didn’t need to know that. Sharing was an excuse to hang out in Steve’s room, to make sure he wasn’t alone. Maybe distract him a little.

Or, apparently, watch him sleep. Which was probably best for Steve, honestly. But looking at him only made Danny’s fingers itch to go looking for a razor. He hated the beard and what it represented. All those weeks-

Damn, Danny really needed a drink. Something much stronger than a beer. 

The hotel bar was quiet this early in the evening, but the bartender didn’t blink an eye when Danny ordered a double scotch.

To Doris McGarrett, he thought as he raised the glass. That crazy ass bitch. 

If Danny hadn’t seen it for himself, he probably wouldn’t believe that she had stashed half a million dollars of ill-gotten drug money in a trust for her granddaughter. And she was gonna do the same for Mary and Steve, because- what? That was actually her idea of being a good parent? Setting your kids up with money made off of the suffering of others, money that neither Steve nor Mary actually even needed? 

Danny couldn’t begin to wrap his head around that logic, and, honestly, why did he even bother to try? There was no figuring out Doris McGarrett. Especially not now that she was dead. And if it didn’t tear up Steve so badly, Danny’d toast to her and think good riddance. 

But she was, after everything, Steve’s mom. And even after everything, that still meant something.

Danny was on his second drink when a familiar face walked into the bar. As soon as Junior’s eyes landed on him, his expression darkened.

This was not what Danny needed today.

“Why are you here?” Junior asked without preamble as he slid onto the stool next to Danny’s.

The bartender moved to come over but immediately scurried away when Junior shot him a warning look.

Whatever was on the kid’s mind, Danny wasn’t in the mood for it. 

“Why am I here?” he echoed with a sarcastic lilt in his voice. It should be obvious why he was here, shouldn’t it? 

Junior glared at Danny. “Yeah. Why are you here? Now?”

With a sigh, Danny pulled himself upright on his stool and drained the rest of his scotch before he turned to face Junior. “Why do I get the feeling that I somehow managed to piss you off?” he asked as pleasantly as he could muster.

Junior held his gaze for a long minute, then exhaled, anger deflating just a fraction. “I don’t get you, Danny. I don’t  _ understand _ you,” he muttered, frustrated.

Great. Danny  _ really _ wasn’t in the mood for this. “Look, kid. You got something to say, just say it.”

Junior didn’t say anything. He wanted to, Danny could tell. But some stupid sense of respect had him just fidgeting and huffing, opening his mouth and closing it again, before finally, he stood. “Forget it,” he ground out and turned to leave.

“Coward,” Danny muttered, not really trying to provoke an honest answer out of him, but succeeding nonetheless.

Junior stopped in his tracks and turned, walked right up to Danny and didn’t bother sitting down again. He got right into Danny’s face with barely controlled rage. “Steve, your  _ best friend, _ goes missing for two months. _Two months_, Danny. And you do  _ nothing _ . You just  _ wait _ . He could have been dead and you just- you just go on about your life like nothing’s changed.”

Danny turned his head away from Junior. He shouldn’t have said anything, should have let the kid walk away and let him resent Danny.

Too late now.

“And then I find him,” Junior droned on. “ _ I _ find him,  _ I  _ do the work, because you don’t even  _ care _ to look. But even then,  _ even then, _ you do nothing.  _ You _ just sit at home and do nothing while I’m there with him. _Your_ best friend. And I’m there as he watches his mother bleed out and die. And there's nothing I can do, because, in that moment, he needed you to be there. But you weren’t there.”

Danny suddenly felt sorry for the kid. He got into this with the best intentions. But he should know by now how these things go. He should know better.

Still, it was okay that he blamed Danny. 

“Do you even care, anymore? At all?” Junior asked. He sounded disappointed, and that was okay, too.

Danny didn’t answer. Just raised his empty glass at the bartender to order another drink. He’d need it for this.

Junior huffed out a hollow laugh at his silence. “So I’m asking you again, Danny. Why the hell are you here?”

He wouldn’t back down now, until he got an answer. That much was obvious. And Danny wondered if he should tell him the truth. Maybe Junior needed to hear it. Not just to understand Danny, but to understand what he’d gotten himself into. 

But then again- Maybe this was something he needed to figure out for himself.

Danny sighed, not sure what to do. “Because he’s my best friend,” he answered simply, resigned and quiet. “And he just lost his mom. So I’m here.”

Junior let out another laugh at that. The sound stirred something inside Danny. A twisted sense of jealousy. Because sometimes, sometimes Danny wished he could care as recklessly about Steve as Junior seemed to do. It’d been so long that he’d let himself- But he couldn’t  _ do _ that anymore. He just couldn’t.

“You don’t know anything about me and Steve,” Danny said bitterly, draining the drink the bartender put in front of him in one long swallow.

Junior scoffed. “I know he deserves someone better than you.”

Hell, Danny thought. He might just be right about that. The words still stung. “What, like you?” he asked.

Junior didn’t say anything. The determination in his eyes was enough of an answer. 

“Okay,” Danny said, nodding. “He’s got you, doesn’t he?”

“Damn right, he’s got me.”

That was good to know. It was an unexpected relief. “Well, then.”

“But he needs you,” Junior all but hissed, leaning in close to drive his point home. “He needs you. And I don’t understand why when you don’t even care.”

Danny looked the kid in the eye for a long moment. “I care as much as I can afford to.”

Confusion clouded over Junior’s expression. He backed away a little, shook his head once. “Wha- what does that mean?”

Danny really didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to explain. But maybe Junior really did need to hear it after all. 

He took in a deep breath, closed his eyes as he slowly let it go. He didn’t look at Junior as he spoke. Instead, he stared at the liquor bottles lining the shelf behind the bar, not really seeing anything.

It seemed like it’d been only yesterday, when he’d walked into his office and found the note on his desk. When Steve had just up and left to find Shelburne.

“First time Steve disappeared on me, I did exactly what you did the last two months. I spent every minute trying to find him. I didn’t sleep, I canceled on Grace. And I kept thinking, what if I never find him? What if he’s dead? What if his body’s somewhere in the ocean and no one’s ever going to find him? What if this never ends?

“Ironically, he was looking for Doris back then, too. Didn’t even know it at the time, but- Anyway. One day, he just called. And I remember, I was so relieved. _So_ relieved- I almost told him right there, on the phone. That I love him.”

The confession slipped out without intent. But Junior didn’t seem surprised. Odd, that.

Not that it mattered.

“So, about a year later, he’s in Korea on Navy business. They’re retrieving the body of his buddy Freddy. His buddy, who he watched die the day before his father was murdered. Who he had to leave behind. But, of course, it turns out it was all a fake. So, Steve heads into North Korea, unauthorized, to find _a corpse_.”

And yes, Danny understood - or at least had an idea about - what Freddy meant to Steve. But he’d still been dead. Had it really been worth the risk? 

“And again, I sit in my office and try to figure out how to get there, because I’m thinkin’, I’d rather go to North Korea and get shot and killed there than experience that fear of not knowing if I’ll ever see him again for just one more minute. And- and at the same time, I got my little girl looking at me from a picture and- and I’m asking myself,  _ what the hell am I doing _ ?

“Year after that, he goes to Afghanistan to help find this boy who’s been abducted by the Taliban. And at this point I- I start asking myself, when does it end? You know? Why does this keep happening? And then I get a call from Catherine and she tells me the Taliban got Steve and I thought, this is worse than not knowing. And at the time I didn’t even know I was gonna get this close,  _ this close _ , to watching my best friend, the man I  _ love _ , be beheaded in some propaganda video on the news. But that’s what made me realize that- I couldn’t keep doing it.”

Junior was staring at Danny with wide eyes and Danny felt his heart breaking as he realized all over again that there was no other way it could be between him and Steve. That he just couldn’t do it. 

And, god, that  _ hurt _ . Even though he’d known for years now, it still hurt so much.

Tears spilled over his cheeks as Danny closed his eyes briefly.

“At some point, you just have to say,  _ no more _ . You have to say  _ stop _ . So I said stop. Because he can’t. He can’t do it. He’ll never be able to stop. Steve will always,  _ always _ do these things, he’ll always disappear and- he’ll always get hurt, and I can’t care that much about him and keep watching. I can’t, because it’s gonna destroy me. And I can’t let that happen, because I got Grace and Charlie. And I got  _ Steve _ . And I can’t be here for him if I let him destroy me.”

“Danny,” Junior whispered. It was enough for Danny to know that he understood. 

Danny exhaled, relieved. “I’ll always be here, Junior. I’ll always be here for him when he needs me. He doesn’t even have to ask. But that’s all I can give him. It’s all I can afford. For him.”

Junior’s hand settled on Danny’s forearm, giving a light squeeze. “I’m sorry.”

There was no need. Danny spent enough time feeling sorry for himself.

“Just- take care of yourself, okay?” Danny told him, covering Junior’s hand with his own. “Make sure you know when to say stop. On your own terms.”

Swallowing, Junior just nodded.

Whatever he was going to do, where he was going to draw the line, if at all- It didn't really matter.

Steve, on _his_ own terms, was always going to be alone.


End file.
